Left The Horns At Home
by Tyanilth
Summary: Written for a Cheeky Monkeys challenge.  This is not how Empress Celene's maids expected the Hero of River Dane to be...


_**Author's note. Takes place well in the future of the Hourglass (possibly AU), on a visit to Orlais by the Warden Commander and her spouse. Written for a Cheeky Monkeys challenge set by Dasque which read as follows "Take a character from your current story and make them act in a way completely contrary to their personality or beliefs. Any excuse will do" Enaid Aderyn then specified that "the wildly uncharacteristic action for Loghain would be to spend a quiet evening alone reading by the fire. Wearing his reading glasses. And drinking a cup of Ovaltine." Your wish is my command, ladies.**_

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><p>"You go in!"<p>

"No, you go in!"

"I went in and put the sheets on the bed, Claudine, it's your turn!"

"But HE wasn't in there then. That doesn't count."

The argument between the two maids in the guest corridor of Empress Celine's palace in Val Royeaux had now been going on for roughly five minutes. The junior butler had now come to see what the problem was.

"Michelle, Claudine, what on earth is going on? I sent you fifteen minutes ago to collect any dirty laundry that our guest might wish to have washed, and ask him what he required for a night time drink? And here you are standing outside his room arguing?"

"But, Robert, it...Well, it's HIM"

The butler sighed. "Contrary to what both your mothers told you when you refused to eat your greens, mes filles, our guest does not eat Orlesian girls. Nor does he breathe fire out of his mouth, or have glowing red eyes. Or horns. And he is certainly not ten feet tall. He is a middle aged Fereldan gentleman, married to the Warden Commander of Ferelden, he is a guest in the Empress's home and you will extend to him every courtesy due to her rank and his. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes Robert"

"Yes Robert"

"Very well then. Claudine, you will go and find out what our guest's requirements are. Michelle, you will then deliver those requirements to him. And no more nonsense."

"Yes Robert"

"Yes Robert"

The blonde girl tapped lightly on the door, gave a last despairing look at her companions, and then when a gruff "Enter," was heard from within sidled in with a look on her face that might have been more appropriate to entering an execution chamber.

Five minutes later she shot out of the door again, an armful of linen shirts and trousers clutched to her bosom. Her face was bright red. The butler looked enquiringly at her.

"He has asked for..." she paused and gasped for breath "Someone to find him a pair of reading glasses because he has apparently left his at home. And a hot milky drink."

The three of them looked helplessly at each other. The butler took charge.

"Very well then. Michelle, you go and ask the librarian for a pair of reading glasses - there surely must be some in the place. Hot milky drink. Hmm. Was there not something that the Empress's uncle used to to take at night? It had malt and eggs in it I seem to recall. Claudine, go and consult with the night chef." He looked from one maid to the other and took pity on them. "If you both get back here within ten minutes I will deliver both to him, and you can then be about your normal duties."

The speed at which both girls took off in opposite directions would have done credit to a trained athlete.

Roughly eight minutes later, Robert the butler, equipped with a small silver tray containing a mug that steamed gently in the cool air of the corridor and a pair of wire rimmed glasses tapped lightly on the chamber door and entered. The man seated beside the fire, a small stack of books beside him looked up and gave a half smile.

"My thanks. Please put them on the table."

Robert made a small ritual of setting out the cup on a silver and mother-of-pearl coaster, polished the glasses with a soft cloth and placed them within easy arms reach. "Is there anything else you are in need of, Warden? If you require something later, the night parlourmaid will answer the bell."

"No, I am very comfortable, thank you. Oh, one thing. Is there a chamberpot in here? The guest bathrooms seem rather a long way down the hall and my nights these days are often somewhat disturbed." He gave a man-of-the-world wink.

"Certainly there is, ser. That chair by the bed contains a commode."

"Perfect. Thank you again. Oh, and do convey my thanks to whoever selected the books, thoughtful of them to have so many in the King's Tongue. I am afraid my knowledge of the Orlesian language is rudimentary at best."

"I will, ser."

Robert bowed himself out.

Loghain fished a small, well worn book bound in red leather out from under the chair cushion and continued reading.

Half an hour later, Muirnara appeared and took in the scene with a raised eyebrow. "What on earth are you drinking?"

He shuddered. "Trust me. You do not want to know."

"And you don't wear reading glasses?"

"As you can very well see, my love, I am reading over them. Not through them."

"So what do you think you are doing?"

"Spreading misinformation. I am sure by now that the Empress's chief spymaster has been informed fully that the Hero of River Dane has problems with night continence, cannot reliably speak or read Orlesian, has problems with his eyesight and drinks some noxious milky concoction at bedtime"

Muirnara gave the book that Loghain was reading a hard stare. "Is that the one I think it is?"

"Yes. It is actually far better in the original Orlesian, little as I like admitting it." He carefully put a marker in the page. "I think we'll try page fifty-two tonight. And if you are out of your armour, and into that bed within five minutes, then I won't be forced to make you drink the rest of this...nightcap."

"That's a threat I can't ignore."

He laughed. "Blame Orlais. Somehow it can always be guaranteed to bring out the worst in me"


End file.
